i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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