"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
