Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
