So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
