I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
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so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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