i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
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I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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