I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Randomize