I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
