My cat gives me a boner
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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