Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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