I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
