If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
