Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
