Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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