defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
