Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
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