I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place