Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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