you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
