I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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