Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
