ya dads aren't the best wingmen
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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