Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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