I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Randomize
