New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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