the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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