Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
