community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
