I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
