life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
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He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
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Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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