Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
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