He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
