I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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