Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
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Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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