I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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