Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
