she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
