i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Randomize
