Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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