he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
