Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
