Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
