i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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