so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Someone signed my nipple.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
