You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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