I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
