omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
That was before I lit my hair on fire
So here I am, sexting at work.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
