I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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