i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
