I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm sobbing to NWA
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
