I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
