You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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