my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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