Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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