Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
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I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
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I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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