so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
