Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Randomize
